Random Updates

Life is a bit crazy in our house, which seems to be a recurring theme. As I posted a few days ago, lots of things are going through my head right now. Here is a random sampling of things.

• I am behind on grading and am thankful that grades are due late here. I have to finish grading today.
• As of yet, I haven't received any interview requests, which is more than a bit disheartening. It feels like the entire term was a waste. All the time to get job letters and materials out was for naught. I am alternating between sad and indifferent. Today sad seems to be winning out.
• Bear is adjusting well to daycare, although I continue to struggle with it. I think part of my sadness is due to the fact that I sacrificed a lot of time with Bear for the job search. Without an interview, I feel like I could have spent my time with my baby.
• We traveled to my sister's house and my grandparents' house this weekend. I learned that I am not much like my sister, and that is a relief for a variety of reasons.
• I have a cold that will not go away. We're on week three and it is still hanging around.
• I am getting increasingly angry at my father, who still has yet to meet Bear. I need to devote an entire post to this soon before I totally lose it with him. Perhaps writing about my feelings will prevent me from having a total meltdown with him.
• I'm still frustrated by all the conversations about me at CU Land. C is hopeful that Dr. Nice Guy, the chair of C's department, will be able to work out a limited-term appointment for me here (it is the equivalent of a visiting prof position). But, as usual, all these conversations are happening without my input. I find it really frustrating that everyone asks C what I want out of a job, but that no one, at least no one in a position of any power, asks me.
• Wild Man is trying to eliminate naps. This is making for some very long evenings in our house.
• Wild Man has also asked for a hippo for Christmas. He is obsessed with hippos and has several toy hippos, but now he wants a real one.
  
• I still have some shopping to do, and I have no desire to do it.
• This weekend we're going to make cookies, and I'm sincerely hoping that will put me in a holiday mood. I was in a good mood until this week, but all my job search frustration seems to have taken care of that mood.
  

Job Search

I have lots of things I want to write about, but I'm behind on grading. So for now I'm just going to write the following sentence:

The job search sucks!

December Adventures

This month I'm trying really hard to get organized and focused for the upcoming semester. I want to be more organized and focused. My goal for the upcoming year is to divide work and home more neatly. I know a complete division is almost impossible given my profession, but I hope to not be thinking about all the things I need to do in the back of my mind while I'm with my sons. I want my time with them to be focused on them. To that end, we've implemented a "no errand" policy on the weekends, or at least as few as errands as possible. We're going to focus our weekends on being together and being with our boys. Here are a few pictures of our December adventures.

Bear all bundled up

Bear and Wild Man all bundled up to pick out a Christmas Tree

Wild Man and Bear in matching PJs

Wild Man with his "cheese" smile

*Sorry if you missed the pictures!

Baby blues

I really hate the term "baby blues." I think it is dismissive of what the emotional changes that many women go through following the birth of a child. That said, I'm trying to determine if I'm experiencing a case of the "baby blues."

Following Bear's birth, I was emotional for a few weeks. Given the tendency for women in my family to get depressed, C and I talked about my emotional state a lot. In fact, since my sister was diagnosed as bi-polar, C is very aware of my moods and mood changes, but that is a topic for another post. Given the mood swings I was having, I talked to my mid-wife, and she encouraged me to get more sleep and to allow myself room to be upset and to adjust to life with two children. After a few weeks, I started to feel better, so I stopped worrying about it.

In the last few weeks, however, I've been wondering if the "baby blues" are returning. Putting Bear in daycare has upset me much more than I anticipated. I mean, I knew I would be upset, just as I was upset with Wild Man. I didn't anticipate, however, that thinking of him being with other caregivers would make me burst out in tears and feel so sad. I asked C his opinion a few days ago, and he said that I seem to be much more sensitive this time around, but he thinks it is because Bear will likely be our last baby. I am also experiencing a profound sense of disappointment that I was not able to stay home with him. I've been thinking about that a lot, as Wild Man started part-time daycare at 3 1/2 months. I've been trying to determine what the difference is with Bear, and I really think it is all about our geographic and cultural location. I live in a country where it is the norm to stay home for a year, and I didn't get to experience that for a variety of reasons, primarily financial. And that has left me sad. So I've been trying to gauge if I'm depressed or if I'm just really upset by this particular situation, and while I do think it is the latter, I think I'm going to be smart and talk to my doctor at a check-up next week.

Another note to Yetta

Dear Yetta,

I'm happy you're getting along so well with my sister-in-law, Auntie J. I do not understand, however, why you can only get along with one daughter-in-law at a time. J and I talked last night, and we've both observed that when you're happy with one of us you are also very unhappy with the other. Neither of us feels this is necessary, and in fact, it only puts pressure on our relationship with each other as we feel we're constantly competing for your attention. Can't we all just get along?

Love,
M.

Bear, 5 months

A Note to Yetta

Dear Yetta,

I am sorry to inform you that the world does not revolve around you. In fact, it revolves around a large celestial body known as the sun, which is responsible for heating and lighting the entire globe. I realize this is hard to believe, but it is so.

Sincerely,
M.

P.S. I'd also like to tell you that when you give someone a monetary gift you typically don't get to tell that person how to spend said gift. This is why I prefer not to receive monetary gifts.

Bear

C and I dropped both Wild Man and Bear off at school today. Wild Man will be there for his usual day of preschool, and Bear is only going to be there a few hours.

And it was hard, although not as hard as I expected. It helps that one of his caregivers is Wild Man's best buddy's mom. We've spent lots of time with her, and Bear likes her a lot. As soon as he saw her, he smiled and starting giggling. As we watched another mother dropping off her 11-month-old for the first time, I thought of one more thing to be positive about: Bear hasn't experienced any separation anxiety. He is not "making strange," as they say in Canada. He smiled at us when we left, and I know he'll be fine for the 2 hours that he will be there today. We're planning to take him to school for a few hours every day until the holiday starts. It sucks. I don't know how else to put it. But I do love that his school is on campus. I can be there in 5 minutes if I need to be (or want to be).

Daycare Update

Yesterday C and I learned that there is no chance of starting Bear later in December. If we want a spot in January, we have to start paying on Nov. 30. After we found this out, we were both quiet and tense. On the drive home, C said, "Suddenly, I feel sick to my stomach, and M, this is one time in our relationship where I get to be more upset than you do. I've been the one home with Bear, and I actually think I'm going to feel a little lost the first day we send him for the whole day." I looked at C and tried really hard not to burst into tears, especially since both Bear and Wild Man were in the backseat.

We talked about our plan after both boys were asleep. We've decided that we will start transitioning Bear this week and next week. It will be a slow process because we want it to be. Neither of us is really concerned about the cost, especially as my teaching 3 classes this term has enabled us to put a big chunk of money in savings. We want this to be easy on Bear and, frankly, to be easy on us. So by the second week of December, we plan to start taking him to his classroom for a few hours a day. Even though I don't want to do this, I know this is the best decision. He has to be used to his surroundings and his caregivers before the holiday. The school closes from Christmas Eve till the Winter Term begins, which means Bear will go straight to daycare after not seeing the school or his caregivers for about 10 days. The start of the term will be stressful enough on everyone (it always is), so we want that transition to be as smooth as possible. We will likely not leave Bear for a full 7-hour day until January, and as he is only going 3 days a week, I will still get plenty of time with him.

Yes, I'm making a conscious effort to focus on the positive.